On Happiness...

I was chatting with a friend of mine, who sought my advice because somebody they know sometimes goes into a spiral of unhappiness. Now, I've heard - and I'm inclined to agree - that the worst vice is AD vice. That said, I did have some thoughts, which I thought I'd also share here:

There are some people who think that being happy or being unhappy are things that we have no control over and that those who are happy are naturally that way and just lucky. “Happy people are born, not made.”

I completely agree. So here’s my question: how many people reading this were born?

Luckily for the rest of us, there are people (positive psychologists, coaches, neuro linguistic programmers among them) who have studied and modelled what those naturally happy people think about, what they believe and what they do so that the rest of us can practise and become happy born people too.

PLAN to be happy

I have a process that I call “State-to-Action Planning ^TM”. It’s a variation on my five-step planning process for meetings, presentations, interviews, etc and has four very simple steps:

1.      What do you want?

2.      How do you have to feel (what State do you have to be in) to do that?

3.      What do you have to think about in order to feel that?

4.      What action do you have to take to think that?

STATE

I mentioned state up there. Having great states (and great flexibility of states) is vital to creating the things we want. Intention and attraction are important too, and the right states can enable us to take the actions we need to achieve our dreams, goal and aims.

State is created by a combination of our physiology (the way we hold our body, the level of relaxation, internal physical feelings, etc), our internal representations (thoughts, pictures, sounds, etc) and the external feedback we receive. (See “STATE” picture in my blog and gallery.)

Being able to change and control our states is a great starting point for every interaction; even those with ourselves. Once we have the right state, it can drive our attitude, the quality of the questions we ask, the suggestions we make and the level of rapport we will develop in every interaction.

Ask the right QUESTIONS

The questions we ask also play an important part in our levels of happiness. Often when something goes wrong, we ask ourselves something like “why does it always happen to me?” Every question we ask ourselves or other people directs our/their attention in a particular direction… And asking “why” can be a dangerous game.

Why? Because normally the first thing we say to a “why” question is “because”, which is a message to our minds to go and find all the reasons. So perhaps it's better to ask something like “what options are open to me now?” or “how can I make this better?” or “who can I get support or information from?”  That way our minds are facing in the right direction. I “try” only to ask myself why questions when I want to know why I did something really well or why I’m such a good person.  (Of course I don't always succeed!)

Other ways to use questions are to challenge negative thoughts and responses. In positive psychology they have something called an ABCDE minus form, which is great for challenging negative thoughts and NLP has great processes like the Clearing Process, for when we react to someone in a way that does not add to our happiness. (We can also support positive thoughts and experiences by using the ABCDE plus format.)

LOGICAL LEVELS
Some people find that a good way to think about your life is in terms of logical levels. This idea was originally discussed by Robert Dilts. (See “Logical Levels” picture in my blog and gallery.)

I think about them as levels that can impact on my life… By making a relatively small change higher up the levels, we can have a greater impact lower down, rather like degrees on a map. So if you’re flying from say, London to New York, you only have to be one degree off course at the start to miss the destination by miles.

This is how I apply them to myself:

Spiritual (which asks: “what is life all about?”). This relates to the idea that we are part of a system that reaches beyond ourselves to our family, friends, communities and beyond. For some this includes religion, and for others quantum ideas. The thinking is, if we can make even small changes in this area, it can have larger knock-on effects in the other areas.

Identity (which asks: “who am I now? Who am I becoming? How will I know I’ve had a good life?”). Identity factors can determine our overall purpose (mission, life calling, choose your phrase of choice). We construct our identity based on our personal history (be that social, ethnic, sexual, national or whatever). Who we think we are will shape our beliefs and values, what we think we are capable of, how we behave, whether we think we have a choice about where we are and where we choose to be. The spiritual dimension can be a very personal area, so coaches will often work from this level to create changes in other areas.

In positive psychology, one of the principles said to enhance happiness is to seek out meaning in our lives.  Perhaps identity and spirituality are good places to think about this...

Beliefs & Values (which ask: “what do I believe about myself? About others? About what I can do? What are my values? What do I value?”). What we believe to be true about ourselves can reinforce, motivate and allow us to be capable of the things we do. It can also “prevent” us from being capable of certain things. Coaches will often do a lot of work around the beliefs we hold.

Another positive psychology is to count our blessings. I practise this everyday by writing three blessings (or three things I'm grateful for) in my journal. These can be anything from "it was sunny today", to "I got that great job", to "someone smiled in the street". Writing three different blessings or things I'm grateful for each day, and reviewing them every week or so, is great for raising my spirit.

Capabilities (which asks: “What are my core competencies? What are my skills?”). Our capabilities can guide and direct our behaviour. We will normally only do the things we think we are capable of doing. In certain circumstances, a coach will encourage us to take an action that we do not feel capable of. This can provide a strong counter-example to a belief and shake up our whole system, providing us with a new range of options and opportunities.

Positive psychology has something to say about this too; play to your strengths. Strengths in this context are different from talents. Talents are means to an end (sales, public speaking, typing) and strengths are an end in themselves (kindness, loyalty, loving).  (If you're not sure of your strengths, you can find out by going to the University of Pennsylvania's positive psychology website and registering there. Once you're in, it's very simple to use and you can find out your strengths by completing the VIA Signature Strengths questionnaire.

Behaviour (which asks: What do I do?”). Sometimes, called “Doings”, this is the specific action (or reaction) we take within our environments. As I suggested above, if we can change our behaviour, it can affect our environment. Similarly, changing our behaviour can expand our capabilities, can shake our beliefs and start to alter our identity.

Environment (which asks: “Where do I live, work, play? Where else do I go?”). Where we are geographically, in our lives, in our careers and in numerous other ways, can determine the opportunities open to us, or the situations we have to react to. This level is occasionally called “Context”. If we change our environment, we can change the external influences. And if we change the way we react to our environment, we may see the environment itself change in response.

As you’re probably figuring our, calling them Logical Levels and discussing them in a hierarchal manner is merely a “useful lie”. Because we’re dynamic thinking beings who sometimes learn from our experiences, change at any of the levels can cause changes at any (or all) of the other levels. The story below is – I think – a good illustration.

I have a close friend who has recently fallen in love. This man – we’ll call him Guy – is extremely smart. He went to one of the top engineering schools to get his first degree, and one of the top Ivy League business schools to get his MBA. As you can imagine, Guy has prided himself on his clear thinking and logic, always being able to see solutions – in his opinion, better solutions – before anyone else.

Now, since he met the woman he is in love with – let’s call her Eve – his life has been a bit of a roller coaster. They’ve been together and split up a number of times. She wasn’t smart enough, she wasn’t serious enough, she didn’t think enough, etc, etc.

Suddenly, about six months ago, Eve finally got tired of it and decided that they should have a break for a few months during which time they would date other people. Guy was devastated.

The scales suddenly fell from his eyes and he started to appreciate her positives. She is a loving, caring and sensitive woman, has great emotional intelligence and is able to connect with people in ways that he was never able to.

Since that point, he has been working non-stop on himself, trying to see what’s great in people, getting in touch and expressing his feelings, opening up to people and connecting with people in new ways.

As a result, his whole life has changed. He has better relationships with his friends, including me, his relationship with his parents has gone from being like almost strangers to a closeness he’s never known before, and Eve is considering taking him back.

That’s what Guy wants – and that was the whole point of his transformation – but he’s realised that he’s the winner whatever she decides, because he’s gained so much richness in his life.

All of this was stimulated by the change in his environment – Eve leaving him – which caused him to examine his behaviour, belief & values and his capabilities.

My first friend's final question amounted to "how do I help them feel worthy?" By looking at the individual pieces of behaviour, thinking and feeling I've talked about, we can start to develop positive and supportive stories about ourselves that provide a store of counter-examples in our unhappy moments. I don't know if anybody is happy all of the time, but I guess being able to bring ourselves back to a happy space more quickly is a good thing.

© Adie DeCoursey, 2007